Annihilation

Had been to one of my favorite drinking joints lately. Not to drink, this time (I have quit drinking, and smoking for 5 months now) but hang out with some old buddies. We were the old boys, all still mentally between 15 and 16. Talking as if we were still in college. But unfortunately, we werent. Things started drifting from this to that to …marriage. As it so happens, I am a part of the dwindling minority of bachelors in my group. So I thought about this for some time. Is it an anomaly that I am 28 and single. That I don’t even date. That I don’t daydream about bumping into someone somewhere. And the answer is no. I don’t. Well actually, it wasn’t that unequivocal. It is probably in that grey area somewhere. Yes, sometimes I do miss having someone to talk to but then again there are a lot of times when I am so happy to be with myself.

So this brought a question: Do I like being alone? I guess the distinction is between being alone and lonely. No one likes being lonely. But I guess being alone is not such a bad thing. I get to spend time with the person I love the most. Jokes apart, the last six months have been for me some kind of an educational experience. The first was the passing of my grandmother. And yes, we will die alone. From her death, I realised that:

1)      Our final moment will be ours and ours only

2)      Death is beautiful, not in a nihilistic way, but as a fact, stripped of all that we have been conditioned to think about death

The second was bringing my business out of bankruptcy. I realised that this is related to my quitting alcohol and smoking. And before you jump the gun, and cry “Fuzzy Logic”, let me explain to you how. I feel that in a lot of ways, our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. Concentration camps and despotic dictatorships apart, for us, the normal human being, our station in life is more a reflection of our inner state than a function of outside circumstance. So the moment I decided to fix what was inside, I realised that things started to get fixed on the outside as well.  I still think I am a work-in-progress and would like to be so for the rest of my life. But at least now I know that there is a way, and that in itself feels good.

So how is this tied to being alone? Well for one, I would like to believe that most of us look at relationships as an escape mechanism. I want XYZ in my life because she will make me feel ABC. Its that simple. And it is very true. ABC could be sex, companionship, wealth, a shoulder to cry on, etc. But at the end of it, we are still seeking a commodity. And therein lies the problem. Because the moment she doesn’t do that/ falls short, boom, I start seeking the next one/ start cursing my luck. So what we think is “love” is actually a Pavlovian dog’s yearning for another bone, something which will trigger his pleasure response.  And sadly enough, all our human institutions from relationships to marriage are built on this pleasure principle. I love you because you make me happy.

Recently I was reading the Sufi concept of Fanaa. To become fanaa is to become extinct while being alive. To annihilate oneself in the Oneness of God.  It is to reach a state of ecstacy that there is no “me” anymore. They say that the way of the sufi is the way of love. So  I think that maybe,  love is not about “me” but about “the other person”. Love is not about what she gives me, but more about what I give her. Not expecting pleasure but sharing her pain.

Unfortunately, I think in today’s age of fast food and faster relationships, self-annihilation will be a concept too hard for most to bear. To be in someone’s embrace and not be yourself will be a thought, which will most likely elicit a response of “You are so boring!” or “Forget that, did you watch yesterday’s episode of [Insert name of random Ekta Kapoor serial here]” or “Hmmm. Kya order kiya?”.

I guess till that day, people like me would rather be alone, staring at the sunset, waiting for another day, to find  someone worthy to annihilate myself in.  

Yeh safar, o safar

Aghaz sifar anjaam sifar

Manzil- e- rooh humsafar

Manzil -e-safar hain sifar

Translation (of my own shayari J wow, I love this):

This journey, O this journey

Starts from nought, ends in nought

The destination of the soul is the companion

The destination of this journey is nought